Absolute Vs. Relative Perfectionism: Striking A Balance

Perfectionism can be both a blessing and a curse. Some people take pride in their insistence that everything is done to the highest possible standard, and no detail is too small for them. Others find their perfection to be a debilitating trait, leading to a constant inner critic, stress, stifled creativity, and even burnout. 

Some psychologists are now drawing a helpful distinction between “absolute perfectionism” and “relative perfectionism”. Learning the difference can help you drop the most crippling aspects of the trait, while helping you to hold on to the qualities that you value. Here’s a look at this useful approach to a complex condition. 

What is absolute perfectionism?

Absolute perfectionism means holding yourself to impossibly high standards in every area of life, all the time. It’s rigid and unforgiving: even small slip-ups can trigger shame, guilt or self-criticism, while mistakes feel catastrophic.

It often manifests in behaviours such as:

• Rewriting an email ten times before sending it.

• Feeling paralysed about starting a project in case it isn’t perfect.

• Judging yourself harshly for minor mistakes at work, school, or home.

• Believing that nothing you do is ever “good enough.”

This approach is draining and unrealistic. Absolute perfectionism isn’t a formal mental health condition, but it can lead to procrastination and poor time management, anxiety, depression, burnout, or avoidance of new challenges. It can negatively impact relationships, as loved ones may find the individual overly critical, controlling, or in need of constant validation.

Some research suggests that absolute perfectionism is a genetic trait that runs in families. It may be exacerbated by a high-pressure environment at home or school. Some adults also report that their behaviour was triggered by a past trauma, such as abuse or neglect in childhood. 

What is relative perfectionism?

Relative perfectionism is about channelling your high standards into areas that matter most to you, while allowing “good enough” elsewhere. It’s a more flexible, realistic, and far kinder approach. 

A relative perfectionist might:

• Care deeply about the quality of their work project but not stress over hitting their personal best at the gym, or minor flaws in a DIY project at home.

• See mistakes or criticism as feedback rather than disasters or personal insults.

• Adjust standards depending on the situation: striving hard when it’s important, easing up when it’s not.

• Accept that some things are outside of their control, such as luck, timing, or other people’s input.

This doesn’t mean lowering standards, but rather choosing where to invest your energy so you can thrive without burning out. It allows you scope for personal growth, because you have the capacity to tolerate setbacks and mistakes and move on. 

Habits that can help you strike a balance

Perfectionism is often an innate character trait, and it’s not realistic to completely overcome it. Furthermore, it also has positive qualities: it shows that you care. Many of life’s innovators and high achievers are (or were) driven by their own very high standards and inability to accept second best. 

However, if perfectionism is crippling your performance at school, uni or work, or sabotaging your relationships, then it’s important to challenge yourself. Here are some steps that can help you to shift from absolute perfectionism to relative perfectionism.

Let yourself make mistakes: perfectionists often link their self-worth to their performance at work or school. If this resonates, try a new hobby or activity and give yourself the freedom to make mistakes. This can help you feel more relaxed about other areas of your life, and tone down the fear of failure.

Reframe mistakes as lessons: When you catch yourself thinking “I failed,” try instead: “What did I learn?” Mistakes aren’t evidence you’re not good enough — they’re stepping stones to greater self knowledge.

Challenge the all-or-nothing voice: Absolute perfectionism tells you, “If it isn’t perfect, it’s worthless.” Relative perfectionism says, “Done is better than perfect.” There are always grey areas and excellence isn’t always necessary. Learn how to conserve your energies for those things that genuinely matter. 

Acknowledge what you can’t control: Life involves luck, other people’s choices, and unpredictable events. Recognising what’s outside your control helps you focus on the part you can influence — your effort, attitude, and values.

Reach out if you need to

Sometimes, the root causes of perfectionism can be deep and difficult to analyse without an outside perspective. In this case, you might benefit from Internal Family Systems therapy, which helps you to explore the damaged parts of your psyche and work towards healing.