Compassionate Distance: How To Protect Minds In Tough Times

October 10 marked World Mental Health Day. The World Health Organisation theme for this year is focused on supporting the mental health of those caught up in crises such as natural disasters, wars, and public health emergencies. The need for this focus hardly needs stating, as the world seems rocked by repeated turmoil and trauma.

Other organisations such as The Mental Health Foundation chose to focus on the effects of repeated exposure to the constant media coverage of conflict, suffering and disaster. In an era when we’re confronted by global events every time we open an app, it can be easy to become overwhelmed, and the answer is rarely as straightforward as looking away.

In fact, the need to continually check news (aka “doomscrolling”) is recognised as a compulsive behaviour. You can read advice on how to stay informed while protecting your mental health in our recent blog, including the role of Internal Family Systems therapy. 

Yet the same emotional exhaustion that comes from witnessing suffering on our screens often plays out in our personal relationships. Whether we’re supporting a loved one through addiction, navigating conflict with a partner, or managing a draining friendship, it can feel impossible to care and stay well. 

The key skill that bridges both worlds is something therapists call compassionate distance – or, in the context of relationships, compassionate detachment.

What is compassionate distance?

Compassionate distance means remaining empathic and kind without absorbing another person’s pain as your own. It’s not coldness or indifference: it’s about staying emotionally steady and self-aware, even when others around you are in turmoil.

In a media context, compassionate distance might mean limiting exposure to distressing news, grounding yourself after reading a difficult story, or remembering that you can care deeply without needing to witness every detail. In personal relationships, it’s a way to stay connected without losing yourself in someone else’s struggle.

From global crises to personal ones

Just as relentless news coverage can leave us feeling helpless or anxious, toxic or emotionally demanding relationships can create the same kind of secondary trauma, when we experience someone else’s pain as if it were our own. 

Perhaps you’ve noticed yourself checking your phone constantly for updates from a loved one, replaying arguments in your head, or feeling responsible for fixing someone else’s life. These are signs that empathy has tipped into over-involvement.

Practising compassionate detachment doesn’t mean abandoning care or withdrawing love. It means recognising that your wellbeing matters too, and that healthy relationships require boundaries as much as they require empathy.

Compassionate detachment: a way through tough relationships

The concept of compassionate detachment comes from therapeutic and recovery traditions. In practical terms, it involves three key shifts:

• Empathy without absorption – You acknowledge another’s pain but don’t take it on as your own.

• Boundaries without guilt – You set limits on what you can give, understanding that saying no can be an act of love.

• Letting go of control – You recognise that you can care for someone without fixing or rescuing them.

This approach can be especially transformative in relationships marked by addiction, volatility, or chronic conflict. It helps both parties move toward greater responsibility and emotional independence.

How to practise compassionate detachment

Like any skill, compassionate detachment takes time and intention. Here are a few therapeutic strategies to help you start:

Clarify what’s yours – and what isn’t

Ask yourself: What am I truly responsible for here? Emotional boundaries begin with recognising that another person’s choices and emotions are not under your control.

Pause before reacting

When a situation feels charged, take a few breaths or a short walk before responding. That pause helps prevent you from stepping into old rescue or conflict patterns.

Communicate boundaries calmly

Express limits clearly and respectfully. For example, “I can’t talk when voices are raised” or “I need to switch off my phone after 9pm.” Boundaries protect connection by reducing resentment and burnout.

Offer presence, not solutions

Sometimes the most supportive act is simply listening. Holding space without trying to fix problems honours both your compassion and the other person’s autonomy.

Reconnect with yourself afterwards

After difficult interactions, take a few minutes to ground yourself: breathe deeply, journal, stretch, or step outside. Small rituals help you reset and remind you that your emotional world deserves care too.

Compassionate distance allows us to stay open-hearted without being overwhelmed. Whether it’s the suffering we see on our screens or the struggles we encounter at home, we can care deeply and protect our mental health.