How To Overcome Anxiety And Reframe Silence As A Superpower

Most of us occasionally experience those moments when we are chatting with a friend, acquaintance or colleague, and suddenly a silence stretches between you. If your relationship is well-established and comfortable, this might be no big deal: your thoughts wander for a while until the conversation naturally takes a new turn.

However, if you are prone to social anxiety, these silences can be triggering: are you being judged for being dull company, or did you unwittingly say something that caused offence? If you’ve often been criticised in the past for being “too quiet”, then these pauses in conversation can feel like a failure on your part. 

Your immediate response might be to fill the silence to deflect uncomfortable feelings and protect yourself from perceived negative evaluation. However, even if you feel you have “successfully” rescued the conversation, this tactic doesn’t actually help you to address your deeper insecurities, and it may even make you less confident in future interactions.

Here’s a look at how learning to be comfortable with silence, and even use it as a superpower, can help to reframe the way you think about social interactions. 

Why silence can feel uncomfortable

In an era where we have access to non-stop news and entertainment shows, it can seem as though we live in a world of seamless dialogue and constant fluent speech. However, what we consume in the media doesn’t reflect the more complex nuances of human interaction. Pauses are a natural part of this process, even if we are not conditioned to embrace them. 

Humans are naturally wired for connection, but this doesn’t mean that we should be compelled to fill every silence with chatter. People with social anxiety are hypersensitive to any sign of disconnection, and instead of perceiving a silence neutrally, their inner critic shows up. 

They feel that it is their responsibility to maintain the flow of conversation, otherwise they will be dismissed as boring, unlikable and not worth bothering with. This has its roots in the excessive self-consciousness and fear of judgement that affects those with social anxiety. 

Any pauses in conversation can be extremely uncomfortable, as it triggers their internalised self-doubts, and rushing to “fix” the silence seems to be the only course of action. Physical symptoms, such as a thumping heart, sweaty palms or tensed shoulders might also kick in, which intensify the moment and build on stored negative memories.

However, silence in a conversation is not a judgement: in fact, it’s far more likely that the other person is simply processing their own thoughts, or just enjoying a natural pause, and they will be happy to continue chatting in a moment or two. 

The powerful benefits of silence

Even people who are not prone to social anxiety can be conditioned to fill silences and smooth over gaps in conversations. However, there are several benefits to learning to embrace silence and turning those uncomfortable feelings into a powerful ally. 

Silence improves listening skills and deepens connections

Pauses give us time to reflect on what’s been said and frame a more thoughtful response, rather than just reaching for familiar phrases. This can help conversations move beyond small talk and touch on more meaningful matters. You can give yourself a chance to be more authentic, and help deepen your connection with the other person. 

Silence is a sign of trust

Contrary to the popular belief that all silences in conversation are awkward, they can be a sign of mutual trust and understanding. Thoughts don’t always need to be expressed with words: if both of you feel comfortable enough to be in each other’s company without speaking, it’s a sign that you are on the same wavelength and have a strong connection.

Silence can calm anxiety

Silence can calm an anxious mind, so learn to embrace it rather than rushing to fill the gap. Being comfortable with silence can help to build confidence, because you will learn to let go of the pressure to prove your worth with words. 

How to reclaim silent moments

Instead of viewing silence as the enemy, learn to reframe the way you think about it. Shift the focus away from yourself, and be curious about what the other person has said. Try not to put your own interpretation on the silence: it involves two of you. 

You can practice getting more comfortable with silence by pausing for a few seconds in a conversation before responding. If you feel anxious, take a few deep breaths to ground yourself. The other person may even enjoy the opportunity to continue talking.

If you are struggling with social anxiety and it’s affecting your daily life, you might be interested in exploring your fears with an IFS therapist.