How To Step Out Of The Straitjacket Of Your Childhood Role

Most of us like to believe that we are the authors of our own stories, living a life that aligns with our values, natural talents, and logical objectives. However, many people are often subconsciously acting out a role that was assigned to them in childhood, even if that identity no longer fits who we are, or serves our best interests.

Here’s a look at how carrying childhood roles into adulthood can be potentially damaging, and how to step into the person you were really meant to be. 

Defining a childhood role

Childhood roles are formed early by family dynamics, our position among our siblings, or the expectations that our parents or caregivers placed on us when we were young. Sometimes these roles are openly bestowed by labels such as ‘the clever one’, ‘the troublemaker’, ‘the creative one’, or ‘the chatterbox.’

Sometimes, we step into the roles ourselves as we jostle for status among our siblings or for the attention of our parents, or simply to survive in a difficult environment where there may be trauma or neglect. Some common roles include: 

• The Achiever – gains approval by excelling and staying responsible

• The Peacemaker – avoids conflict, smooths tension, often self-erases

• The Rebel – gets attention through disruption or non-conformity

• The Caregiver – becomes emotionally attuned to others’ needs at the expense of their own

• The Ghost – stays quiet, invisible, avoids rocking the boat

These roles may begin as coping mechanisms, but as we get older they form the basis of our wider social interactions. This may help us to navigate life’s complexities, but it can also hold us back from becoming our whole selves, and keep us stuck in repeating patterns of behaviour. 

Why do we get stuck in childhood roles?

As we get older and live away from the family home, we tend to gain more perspective into our childhood roles. We might make a conscious decision to break out, such as experimenting with more unconventional lifestyles if we were always labelled the ‘good kid.’ 

However, early patterns of behaviour can often become so deeply wired that we adopt them as part of our personality, and lasting change can be very difficult to achieve. It becomes part of our default way of living, even though the original conditions that created it have faded into history. 

This can mean that we may be neglecting some of our deeper emotional needs as we push ourselves to fit into a certain mould, such as the high-achiever or the caregiver. You might feel isolated or disconnected from the world around you, and are not quite sure why, or are afraid to change because you are not sure who you’d be otherwise. 

Signs you’re still playing a childhood role

• You feel stuck in a pattern you can’t explain

• You behave differently around family, such as more needy, argumentative, or disempowered

• You consistently attract the same dynamics in relationships or work

• You feel guilty or anxious when you assert yourself, slow down, or say no

• You don’t feel fully ‘yourself’ — as if something deeper is missing or muted

These are clues that your adult self is bumping up against a childhood role that no longer serves you.

How to grow beyond your childhood role

As we develop awareness of how our childhood role has shaped us, we may begin to feel resentful or even angry with family members or ourselves. However, roles tend to form for a reason in any social situation to help it function, so try to accept whatever happened as part of your past history rather than ruminate on it. 

Start asking yourself a few questions, such as: 

• What did I feel I had to be in my family in order to be safe, accepted, or valued?

• What emotions or behaviours didn’t feel welcome when I was young?

• What’s a part of me I’ve ignored or silenced in order to keep the peace or maintain my image?

• If I didn’t have to prove anything, please anyone, or perform a role, who might I be?

Unravelling an assigned identity can be a very difficult task to do by yourself. At our clinic, we offer a type of psychotherapy called internal family systems, which can help you to explore the true parts of your personality, and work towards healing and wholeness.