Why Breakups Can Be Painful Even When It’s For The Best

Most people assume that the end of a marriage or a bad long-term relationship will immediately bring relief or even a sense of freedom and gratitude, but the reality can feel more messy and confusing than this. Here’s a look at why this is the case, and when to consider professional support such as Internal Family Systems therapy. 

Why you don’t feel like you expected to

Even if the partnership ended for a good reason, the other person was still a significant part of your life, and it’s natural that you will grieve for the loss of their presence. Even if you were the one who did the leaving, or the relationship ended amicably rather than with a drama, you are still losing a shared history and hopes and plans for the future. 

Friends and family might tell you that the break up was for the best, and the logical part of your mind agrees with this. However, even if you are relieved to be shut of the constant bickering or power struggles, your emotions may not be what you expected. This can add a further layer of confusion: so what’s going on under the surface?

When you’ve spent a significant amount of time with someone that you once loved, you build up a shared bank of memories and routines that can’t just be neatly boxed away overnight. The removal of the source of this shared history is unsettling at best, and you’re left with a lot of raw emotions to process.

Rebuilding your identity

We often refer to our partners as our ‘other half’, and this reflects just how intertwined they are with our identity. Maybe you had always assumed that you would grow old and retire together; raise children and enjoy grandchildren. You’ve also got a whole history of holidays, weekends and romantic moments that were once special and cherished. 

During a long-term relationship, we become a version of ourselves that reflects a shared life, and becoming single again is a big psychological adjustment for most people. 

Dealing with uncomfortable emotions

No matter if you were the initiator of the breakup or it arrived like a bolt from the blue, the end of a relationship leaves a lot of unresolved feelings. For example, some people feel angry with their partner for leaving them, or conversely they are angry that their partner didn’t make more effort to keep the relationship together. 

Other common emotions are guilt if you were the one who broke up with your partner, or guilt about things that you said to them or hid from them. You may also blame yourself for choosing the wrong person and wasting time that could have been spent with someone else. 

These emotions won’t necessarily reveal themselves in a neat linear fashion: you may go for weeks or even months where they feel less intense, only for them to suddenly flare up out of the blue. 

When the relationship was toxic

If you are recovering from a relationship that involved an abusive or controlling partner, then the fallout from the breakup can be even more confusing. Instead of feeling peaceful and relieved, at one level you were emotionally attached to the person, and you will still grieve their loss. 

Narcissistic or manipulative partners often veer between being validatory and distant or directly abusive, and this can be really confusing. You may need the professional support of a therapist or counsellor to help you process internalised self-doubt and help you recover your sense of identity. 

How to start the healing process

Everyone’s healing journey will be different, and there’s no right or wrong way to go about it. Simply acknowledging that you are grieving despite the advantages of the breakup can be really helpful, because it brings messy emotions into a clearer perspective. 

Remember that you are mourning the loss of an identity and shared hopes and dreams, as well as, or if not the person themselves. The sense of expected peace won’t happen straight away: accept that there’s no easy shortcuts and you will probably need to work through some painful stages such as guilt, sadness, or anger.

Try to avoid numbing your emotions with distractions such as overworking, comfort eating or alcohol, as this will just prolong the recovery and stop you becoming the person you need to be for a stable and fulfilling future. Develop new interests or seek the support of others to help you through instead.