What Should I Do If I Think My Partner Is A Narcissist?

It has become commonplace to describe anyone who displays selfish, oversensitive or even unusually confident behaviour a "narcissist", leading to fears that the term has been devalued to the point of meaninglessness. 

Before labelling anyone, it’s important to understand what narcissism really means, how it translates to day-to-day behaviour, and what you can realistically do next if you are in a relationship that feels emotionally draining or confusing. 

Here, we explore what the true definition of a narcissist is, the common patterns of behaviour to look for, and how they might affect your wellbeing. 

What is the clinical definition of narcissism?

Narcissism exists on a spectrum. Some traits, such as confidence, ambition, or wanting to feel appreciated, are perfectly normal. Clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) sits at the extreme end and is far less common than the word “narcissist” suggests. 

Most people who cause emotional harm in relationships do not have a formal diagnosis but may display narcissistic traits or patterns of behaviour that create distress.

These patterns often include:

• Difficulty taking responsibility

• A need for admiration

• A strong sensitivity to criticism

• Emotional volatility

• A lack of empathy in conflicts

• Using manipulation or guilt to control situations

  
  

What are the signs my partner might have narcissistic traits?

Below are some common signs that many people recognise when looking back on a confusing or painful relationship dynamic. You might relate to a few or many, but noticing patterns is more important than ticking every box.

The relationship started fast, then changed suddenly

People with narcissistic traits often idealise partners early on. You may have felt intensely valued, understood, or “chosen.” Over time, though, warmth can fade, replaced with criticism or irritation. 

This shift can leave you wondering what happened, and trying hard to get back to that early closeness.

Your needs seem to create conflict

If raising concerns regularly leads to defensiveness, anger, or blame-shifting, it may signal emotional immaturity or narcissistic patterns. You might hear comments like:

• “You’re too sensitive.”

• “You’re imagining things.”

• “You’re overreacting.”

This can make you doubt yourself and minimise your needs.

Everything becomes about them

Conversations, conflicts, and even your successes may somehow return to their feelings or frustrations. This can leave you walking on eggshells, shaping your behaviour to avoid upsetting them.

They struggle to empathise in key moments

Empathy is not just about saying the right thing; it’s about being emotionally available. If your partner dismisses your pain, mocks your vulnerability, or seems uninterested when you’re struggling, this is significant.

They use guilt, fear or confusion to maintain control

This may show up through:

• Silent treatment

• Withholding affection

• Stonewalling

• Emotional unpredictability

• Subtle or overt put-downs

These dynamics are exhausting and destabilising.

You feel smaller, drained or disconnected from yourself

Perhaps the most important indicator is how the relationship affects your nervous system. If you notice constant anxiety, self-doubt, or emotional exhaustion, something in the dynamic is not healthy, regardless of labels.

Why is it so hard to leave a relationship with narcissistic patterns?

People often judge themselves harshly for staying in difficult relationships, but there are real psychological reasons why leaving can feel incredibly hard.

Trauma bonds can form through cycles of affection and withdrawal. The nervous system becomes hooked on moments of closeness, especially when they’re unpredictable.

Self-doubt grows when you’re repeatedly told you’re the problem.

Hope plays a huge role. You may believe that if you can just say the right thing, or love them enough, the warmth will return.

What should I do if I'm seeing patterns of narcissism?

You don’t have to make immediate decisions. Instead, focus on regaining clarity and grounding.

Start observing how the patterns affect you

Write down behaviours that concern you, and how they make you feel. Recording patterns helps you see them more clearly.

Set non-confrontational boundaries

Learn to protect your wellbeing. This could mean taking emotional space, saying no more often, or refusing to engage in circular arguments. 

Seek support

The emotional fallout of being with a narcissistic partner can be tough to deal with alone, especially if any form of abuse is involved. It’s important to recognise when you might be in need of support, either from friends, family or professionals. 

Some people find therapy, or a variant such as Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, to be very beneficial in helping them to understand what’s happening, and rebuild inner stability.