Why Joy And Suffering Are Intertwined & How To Build From It

The World Happiness Report 2024 ranks the happiness of nations based on respondent ratings and quality of life factors. It turns up some surprising results, including the finding that those who have experienced certain types of suffering are actually happier than those who have faced fewer adversities in life. 

This is a seemingly paradoxical situation, but in fact, it’s a recognised psychological phenomenon known as ‘Post-Traumatic Growth’. This concept is based on research carried out in the 1990s by the psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun. 

They found that survivors of trauma were better at recognising and embracing new opportunities than people who had not experienced trauma, and they also appreciated life more deeply and had stronger relationships with loved ones. 

Furthermore, other studies have shown that those individuals who actively pursue happiness actually have less capacity for joy than those who focus on meaningful activities. 

Happiness isn’t a destination that we reach once we have eliminated all the imperfections from our lives: it’s the byproduct of being emotionally literate and understanding how to bring real meaning into your life. Here’s a look at why this is, and some practical tips for letting more joy into your life, no matter what you are going through or recovering from. 

The importance of learning to live in the present moment

Many people who are dissatisfied with their lives in some way tell themselves, “I’ll be happier when I find a new job/lose weight/quit smoking.” However, this train of thought always keeps happiness just out of reach, because it’s focused on avoiding discomfort rather than actively facing it and identifying the unmet needs that are the actual source of the dissatisfaction. 

Why facing difficult emotions leads to growth

Humans are naturally programmed to avoid pain, and our brains are hardwired to seek distractions from uncomfortable feelings, or intellectualise or bury difficult emotions. This shutdown saves us from having to find the real courage and clarity of mind to simply sit with our suffering. 

However, when we learn how to process difficult emotions, we strengthen our emotional muscles, and this includes increasing our capacity to recognise and experience joy. Avoidance might blunt the edges of unhappiness, but it also blunts our ability to feel joy as well. 

Therefore, even if we do manage to achieve that arbitrary marker of happiness such as a new job or a slimmer figure, we rarely feel the expected glow of inner joy. In all likelihood, the unprocessed emotions will manifest themselves in different ways, and there will be little improvement in genuine emotional wellbeing. 

Practical tips for turning towards your feelings

If you are navigating a tough time in your life, such as burnout, the fallout of a toxic relationship, or an anxious relationship with food or cigarettes, then it’s natural that you will try to suppress the difficult emotions that are at the heart of your experience. Here are some steps you can take that will help you grow emotionally stronger and become more present.

Meet feelings with curiosity rather than control

When you feel an unwanted emotion, instead of shutting it down, try asking yourself what it’s trying to tell you. The answer may not be obvious straight away; just get comfortable with asking.

Look for moments of joy in the present

Instead of seeing happiness as a future promised land once you have conquered all of your ‘weaknesses’, learn how to recognise passing moments of joy in the everyday: a friendly exchange in a shop; a brisk ten minute walk; small quiet moments. 

Don’t let guilt get in the way of joy

Survivors of trauma can sometimes feel guilty about unexpected moments of joy, but these don’t invalidate the pain you have been through: opposing emotions coexist in all of us. 

When it’s more complicated

Everyone deals with their inner struggles differently. Some people might have difficulties that have been entrenched in childhood and continue to overshadow their lives. Others may have been through a deeply traumatic experience, or have tried everything in their power to overcome an issue such as disordered eating or smoking without success.

If this resonates with you, then you might be interested in trying Internal Family Systems therapy, which we offer at our London clinic. Please get in touch and we’ll be happy to give you some more information about what’s involved.