Why Do We Compare Ourselves to People We Do Not Even Know?

Scrolling through social media can produce a strange psychological experience. You might see someone you have never met announcing a promotion, buying a beautiful home, travelling somewhere exotic or simply appearing to have a remarkably happy life. 

Within seconds, you may find yourself wondering how your own life measures up. But why do we compare ourselves to people we do not even know?

Social comparison is nothing new. Human beings have always looked to others for clues about how they are doing, where they fit in and what they should aspire to. Social media, however, has dramatically increased the number of people available for comparison. 

Instead of comparing ourselves with colleagues, friends or neighbours, we can now compare our lives with thousands of strangers. This brings a fundamental problem: we are usually comparing our real lives with somebody else's carefully selected version of theirs.

Social comparison is a normal human behaviour

Comparing ourselves with others is not inherently unhealthy. Psychologists have long recognised social comparison as a way of evaluating ourselves and making sense of the world around us.

Seeing somebody achieve something can even be motivating. A colleague's promotion might encourage you to think about your own career ambitions. Someone completing a marathon might inspire you to become more active. 

Seeing another person learn a new skill can make a goal feel achievable. The difficulty arises when comparison becomes a measure of self-worth. If someone else's success automatically feels like evidence of your own failure, comparison can become emotionally exhausting.

Why strangers can have such an impact

You might assume that people you know would have a greater influence on your self-esteem than complete strangers. Yet social media creates a particularly unusual form of comparison because we are often presented with people who appear to represent an ideal.

You do not see the ordinary parts of their lives. You may not see their disappointments, arguments, financial worries, insecurities or unsuccessful days. Instead, you see the promotion, the holiday, the wedding, or the perfectly presented morning routine.

This creates what psychologists sometimes describe as an upward comparison: we compare ourselves with someone we perceive as doing better than us. The problem is that we rarely have enough information to make the comparison fair.

Comparison can distort what ‘enough’ looks like

One of the most difficult aspects of constant comparison is that it can subtly move the goalposts. Perhaps you once felt proud of your career. Then you started following people who were further ahead. Now your previous achievements seem ordinary.

You reach one milestone and immediately notice the next one. You earn more, but discover someone earning considerably more. You receive a promotion, but someone else becomes a director. You buy a home, but somebody else buys a larger one.

There will almost always be somebody who appears to be further ahead. If self-esteem depends on winning this comparison, feeling satisfied can become almost impossible.

What can we do about it?

The answer is not necessarily to stop using social media or to avoid successful people. A more useful starting point is becoming aware of what comparison is doing to you.

Notice how you feel after scrolling. Do particular accounts leave you motivated, curious and inspired? Or do you consistently feel inadequate, anxious or behind?

It can also help to question the comparison itself. What do you actually know about this person's life? Are you comparing your everyday reality with their highlights? 

Perhaps most importantly, are you measuring yourself against somebody else's priorities rather than your own? Sometimes the most helpful shift is from asking “How am I doing compared with them?” to “Am I living in a way that matters to me?”

Comparison does not have to be your measuring stick

Social comparison is part of being human, and it is unlikely to disappear simply because we understand it. But we can become more conscious of when it is helping us and when it is undermining us.

If you find yourself caught in recurring patterns of self-comparison, self-criticism or feeling that you are never quite doing enough, Internal Family Systems therapy can offer a way to explore what lies beneath those reactions. 

It can help you understand the different parts of yourself and develop a more compassionate relationship with them.