Why Is Self-Kindness Often Such A Difficult Skill To Learn?

Every year on 13 November, the world pauses for World Kindness Day. It’s a reminder of the power of compassion, empathy, and small acts that can brighten someone’s day. 

We’re encouraged to be kind to others, whether friends, colleagues, or strangers, yet when it comes to ourselves, we are often less than generous. 

Many people find it surprisingly hard to practise self-kindness. We might support everyone around us with patience and warmth, but when it comes to our own mistakes or perceived flaws, our inner critic instantly shows up. 

So why do we so often treat ourselves unkindly, and how can we learn to have a more compassionate inner dialogue?

Why “tough love” doesn’t work

Culturally, we’re taught that being hard on ourselves is a sign of strength. “Tough love” is supposed to build resilience. However, psychological research paints a different picture. 

Studies by Dr Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, show that people who treat themselves with kindness are more motivated, more emotionally stable, and less prone to anxiety and burnout than those who rely on constant self-criticism.

Mostly, self-criticism doesn’t toughen us up; it quietly drains our confidence and joy. It creates a fear of failure so strong that it can paralyse creativity and self-expression. 

Self-kindness, on the other hand, doesn’t mean letting ourselves off the hook; it means supporting ourselves the way we’d support a close friend who’s trying their best.

What does self-kindness really mean?

Self-kindness isn’t indulgence. It’s not about avoiding responsibility or “treating yourself” every time life feels hard. 

It’s about cultivating a gentle awareness that we’re human, and that means we’re often imperfect, emotional, sometimes messy, but still worthy of care and respect.

It can look like:

• Speaking to yourself with understanding rather than judgement.

• Taking a pause instead of pushing through exhaustion.

• Allowing yourself to rest, say no, or ask for help without guilt.

• Acknowledging pain or disappointment instead of suppressing it.

Self-kindness is the foundation of genuine resilience. When we stop fighting against ourselves, we free up emotional energy for growth, creativity, and connection.

The emotional cost of self-criticism

For many people, the drive to succeed or to “be enough” is rooted in fear: fear of failure, rejection, or being seen as inadequate. 

This often shows up as perfectionism, overworking, or a relentless inner critic. Over time, that self-criticism can lead to burnout, low mood, or feeling emotionally numb.

Our harshest self-judgments can begin as survival strategies; ways to stay safe, gain approval, or maintain control in unpredictable environments. But what once helped us cope can later become a barrier to peace of mind. 

Learning self-kindness is about unlearning those old defences and allowing ourselves to relate to pain differently.

How can you practise self-kindness in everyday life?

Like any skill, self-kindness takes practice. Here are a few gentle ways to start:

• Notice your self-talk. When something goes wrong, pause and listen. Would you speak to a friend that way? If not, rephrase it kindly.

• Ask yourself what you need, not what you “should” do. Self-kindness often means responding to your needs in the moment, whether that’s rest, nourishment, or time alone.

• Take a self-compassion break when stress or difficult thoughts ramp up.

• Set realistic boundaries. Saying no isn’t unkind, it’s a way of protecting your capacity to keep showing up with compassion.

• Celebrate small wins. Kindness includes noticing progress, however minor, and acknowledging effort as well as outcome.

  
  

The ripple effect of self-kindness

The beauty of self-kindness is that it rarely stops with us. When we’re gentler with ourselves, we naturally become more patient, understanding, and present with others. A kinder inner world creates a kinder outer one; at home, at work, and in our communities.

As we mark World Kindness Day, it’s worth remembering that kindness isn’t only about grand gestures or public acts of generosity.

It begins quietly in how we speak to ourselves in difficult moments, how we respond when things don’t go as planned, and how we choose to treat our own humanity with care.

If you’re still struggling

Sometimes, unprocessed emotions or conditions such as anxiety and depression can hold us back from truly accepting ourselves, or achieving our full potential as human beings. 

A relatively new approach to addressing these concerns is Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS), which focuses on creating a harmonious and compassionate Self.

If you’d like to find out more about IFS, please get in touch today and we’ll be happy to help.