Compassionate Boundaries: What They Are & Why They Matter

Whether you’re a parent, a corporate high-flyer, a spouse or partner, at some point in your role you will probably feel conflicted about protecting your own instincts and needs, and reaching out to meet the needs and expectations of others. Maybe you find yourself pushed and pulled between two extremes, or stuck in a rigid pattern of behaviour.

The key to developing healthy relationships with others is to set flexible boundaries. This involves recognising and protecting your own needs without shutting ourselves off from others, and it’s a skill that takes some time to develop. It’s sometimes referred to as establishing ‘compassionate boundaries.’ 

Why understanding boundaries matters

We can often be conditioned by social or cultural expectations to be kind and supportive to others, and of course these are desirable qualities. However, it is possible to demonstrate them without completely obliterating your sense of self. Understanding what our boundaries are is a sign of emotional maturity and enables you to be at your best.

Most of us dislike to appear unobliging or rejecting, and this can lead us to give our time and energy to others even when we are stretched thin. None of us has an infinite amount of time, energy or emotional capacity, and sometimes we need to conserve these resources for ourselves to protect from burnout or hidden resentment building up. 

Why do we struggle to set boundaries?

Setting boundaries does not come naturally to everybody, particularly if you struggle with assertiveness or are recovering from a toxic relationship. It can also be difficult if you are newly promoted to a position of leadership, and are still unsure of what your priorities are, and what your obligations to others are. 

If you are feeling anxious in a new professional role, it’s natural to want to be liked by everyone and avoid conflict. In our personal lives, we may find setting boundaries difficult because we don’t like rejecting the requests of others, for fear of appearing mean and selfish, or because we fear they might start rejecting us. 

As we said before, maintaining compassionate boundaries is a skill, and it requires you to be in a reasonably good place psychologically and emotionally. If there is a trauma in your past or present life, or a deeper psychological issue going on, then you may like to consider seeking professional help and support.

One option might be to explore a type of psychotherapy known as Internal Family Systems, which we specialise in at our London clinic. This can complement other types of therapy, or be used as a primary way to work on resolving inner conflicts and moving towards healing. 

How a lack of boundaries damages relationships

It’s easy to fall into the trap of always saying yes or being emotionally available, because we assume that this is a way to be generous and build a strong and close relationship. However, this does not allow the other person to ever truly understand and respect your own needs. 

Eventually, this can mean you feel taken for granted, and you may even come to resent the person because they appear selfish and insensitive. By taking responsibility for your own emotional health with strong but flexible boundaries, you will give yourself the best chance of building a truly meaningful and rewarding relationship with others. 

How to enforce boundaries whilst remaining compassionate

The first step is to understand those areas of your life where you want to direct your time and energies towards, and those that you find draining or unrewarding. Develop strategies for communicating your needs to others firmly but with kindness, such as: “I need some space for myself this weekend, but I’d love to see you next weekend.”

Most of the time, people will accept and respect what you tell them. If someone reacts with disappointment or even aggression or anger, it’s important to hold your line. Caving in will entrench the unhealthy behaviour, so leave it to them to deal with and move on, rather than trying to appease them.  

The difference between boundaries and controlling behaviour

Boundaries that are too rigid can tip over into controlling behaviour, which will lock others out or push them away. Build some flexibility into your boundaries, so that you can make judgement calls on when to compromise without disrespecting your own needs. This may call for negotiation or compromise.

However, if you put in some regular work to clarify and maintain compassionate boundaries, you will be on the path to a more meaningful and rewarding way of living.