Why Downplaying Your Feelings Isn’t A Resilient Behaviour

Many of us will have had the childhood experience of complaining about some aspect of our lives to a parent, only to be met with the response along the lines of: “There are millions of people who have it far worse than you.” While this may be true, it’s not always a helpful attitude to take, particularly if we carry this belief into adulthood.

The trap of comparative suffering

It’s very common for people to feel guilty or attempt to dismiss their negative emotions because they believe that someone has it worse than them. You may feel overwhelmed or burnt out over job stress or poor housing, but tell yourself that some people don’t have a job or anywhere to live at all.

Maybe you play down the impact a niggling illness is having on you because a family member is undergoing cancer treatment, or you brush aside an argument with your partner because a friend is going through a divorce. These patterns of thought can deceive us into thinking we are being strong and resilient rather than needy and overdramatic.

We can also push this attitude onto others: for example, if you are a parent yourself, you might tell your child that falling out with a school friend is a trivial matter because they’ve got lots of other friends. You might feel as though you are helping your child to put their upset into perspective, but it doesn’t help them to deal with the hurt and loss of their friend. 

The dangers of silencing your pain points

Rather than a sign of strength, constantly dismissing our own feelings can gradually build up into burnout or a state of emotional bluntness. This can make it difficult to form meaningful connections with others, or for you to provide them with strength and support when they need it. 

You may have an unacknowledged heavy burden of bitterness or resentment that can spill out into exhaustion, irritability, or the inability to focus or make decisions. It can also keep you from moving on from a negative experience or situation. 

Breaking out of the cycle

If parents or teachers have ingrained into your thought patterns that there is always someone worse off than you, then you may feel weak or self-indulgent for paying attention to your own feelings. Sometimes, comparison with someone we perceive to be worse off can be a convenient way to avoid dealing with a difficult issue in our own lives. 

It also assumes that someone who appears to be less fortunate is unhappier than us, but this is not always the case: what may seem to be a difficult situation from the outside may be very different if the person has a source of support and joy in their lives. 

Remember that pain isn’t a global competition, and you are not being unfair or overprivileged by addressing your problems. There will always be people going through intense suffering, but that doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t worthy of attention. 

Invalidating your own feelings does nothing to help anyone else: in fact, it makes you less capable of helping anybody, because you will constantly feel drained and disconnected. When you allow your emotions some breathing space and examine them without judgement, you will be on a journey to becoming a more compassionate and grounded person. 

Gaining a sense of proportion 

Putting a problem into perspective can be a useful coping tool, but it should be applied only after you have acknowledged and dealt with emotions such as disappointment, anger, or sadness. Allow yourself to feel the sense of discomfort they cause you without judgement or attempting to silence negative emotions and thoughts.

You might find this is easier to do with the help of meditation, deep breathing, or simply going for a long walk by yourself. Once you feel strong enough to sit with your feelings, it may be helpful to gain a sense of proportion: this too will pass, and indeed others do have worse problems. Validate your own pain, but feel grateful for the positives in your life as well. 

Dealing with complex emotions

Life is complicated, and sometimes it can be very difficult to unravel entrenched thought patterns and process negative emotions alone. In this case, you may benefit from working through your issues with a course of IFS therapy.